God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
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The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Merry Christmas
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
When I sing in the shower the water turns cold
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!