Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?

It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.

If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦‍♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦‍♂️😏🤦‍♂️😉🤦‍♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.

I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.

I used the label maker

Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.

gollum: *coughs on ring*

frodo: you know what, keep it

The Bachelorette… but for cats.

I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved

He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.

— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*

When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”

{At the last supper}

Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”

Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”

Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.

I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!

Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.

My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow

me: this edible ain’t shit
me twenty minutes later: googling how to remove a curse

How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?

I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.

they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.

It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you