Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”

Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”

You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.

My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?

Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord

“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.

Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs

People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.

Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.

“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*

“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

Did you breast feed him as a baby?

“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused

Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.

If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?

I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.

It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.

Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.

As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.

Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.

Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes

Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.

Librarian: Oh, like the author!

Me: Huh?

Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!

Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.

Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?