God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
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HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
