Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct

My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.

Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.

I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.

Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.

10:00: gets in hammock

10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock

10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock

waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: Nope, fluff.

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: That is a fly.

Me: SPIDER!!!

Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.

At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal

Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too

friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”

hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

[1907. the first convenience store opens]

GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??

me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking