Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.

3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.

me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death

doctor: you have a sprained ankle

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place

[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.

You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…

Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

[Dinner party]

ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.

HOST: MY TURTLES!

Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.

If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.

It’s science.

*teaches nephew about the telegraph*

him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.

I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.

“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.

Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.

Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.

Boss: Need a new battery?

Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.

*queen’s gambit*

dad: knight takes queen

daughter: *3D prints new queen*

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.