god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
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director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
need someone to feed me Doritos while i read, so i don’t mess up the pages. no weirdos.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.