Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”

It was a penguin.

*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*

Me: That’s suspicious

Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

Ron is short for Aaronald

interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.

The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.

Cherry seeds are just the pits.

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.

New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it

I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

Personal Trainer: Do you run?

Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.

[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.

The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.