Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’

Me:

Friend:

Me: to what?

Friend:

WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.

Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?

Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?

Me: I don’t know, CAN you?

*High-fives high school English teacher*

My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads

My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”

AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.

We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.

And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?

I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.

My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna

since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical

sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade

I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”

Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh

My new monthly budget

Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500

You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.

*First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.

5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.

Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child

I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.

Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’

I grow mine one time and…

It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.

Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.