god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
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“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me