Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.

Nice try, poison.

a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”

*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”

*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

[first time at a rave]

These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

Me: I want you inside of me.

Him: Wow.

Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?

Him: Why are you like this?

Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?

Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT

[on a first date in a restaurant]

him: so what did you do last weekend?

me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.

him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time

me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!

I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.

[holding a séance]

“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.

Here you go, Merry Christmas!

“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”

Because I wanted to make-

Mom: NO DON’T

My presents felt

Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!

Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy

my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

Spongebob | (•)(•) |

Patrick / (•)(•)

Squidward ( (•)(•) )

Plankton | (•) |

Mr Krabs |$||$|

You sit there and think about what you’ve done

-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.

Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.

[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?