if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
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Rambo Rambow
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
There is no “we” in pizza
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
What if all the cashiers are married?
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.