God: I will create a being to cook, clean, serve and obey. Adam: what will it cost me? God: an arm and a leg. Adam: what can I get for a rib

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Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style


I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft ūüôĀ


Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”


everyone’s always asking me ‘is your son named after the movie?’ and I’m like no idiot Sharknado’s 5 yrs old and the movie came out in 2013


Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.


New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.


Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.


It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.