@ryaninco

God: I will create a being to cook, clean, serve and obey. Adam: what will it cost me? God: an arm and a leg. Adam: what can I get for a rib

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@ObscureGent

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.

@ThinkingSavage

I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

@murrman5

*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.

@Bob_Heller

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

@Marlebean

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

@myonlymizztake

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.