Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
God: I will create a being to cook, clean, serve and obey. Adam: what will it cost me? God: an arm and a leg. Adam: what can I get for a rib
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Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
You can’t prove that I’m not the center of the universe.