Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?

Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow

Everyone’s family

[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW

*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.

Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot

Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance

Boss: It’s broken and does nothing

Me: shit

Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

NETFLIX: Are you still watching?

Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.

Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter

My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out

Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies

This salon has a picture of their bathroom in their bathroom and I love it so much

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out

I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.

My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.