Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got a light

It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.

When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”

Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

First date Idea.

We tag team wrestle another couple.

Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go

She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.

She just gave you her stomach virus.

7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?

me: i guess so

7: and because she likes books?

me: um…yeah

7: but at least she’s pretty right?

me: …let’s watch moana instead

WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]

If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.

bill nye is short for william new year’s eve

Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.

Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”

Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”

[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO

Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”

Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks

I’m always there for my friends when I need them.

Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:

1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium

A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.

i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”

Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave

[Me as a boxing commentator]

ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time

Cw: you have a call holding

M: put it in my voicemail

Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent

M: hiiii this is Jennifer

I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again