GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
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I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory