Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow

Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever

Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child

What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”

Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?

Goldfish: I forgot

Goldfish 911: Forgot what?

Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?

Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra

hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh

lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much

Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*

Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!

Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?

Wife:

Me: Omelette you eat now

I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet

When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.

“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.

Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

11-year-old: I folded the laundry.

Me: You only folded one thing.

11: Is laundry plural?

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

Challenge accepted

If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.

THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”

ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”

My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.