GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
You Might Also Like
Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Breaking news:
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk
born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer