Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

I’m no good at the pole vault either.

*me flirting

Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs

Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.

Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?

*removes 14 stick figures from car*

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.

“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.

You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

me: time to hit the hay

wife: you’re going to bed?

me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay

riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”

lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL

others: LOL

Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages

You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.

Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.

Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas

If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice