god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
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The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Battery falling down a hole
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!