God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
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13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal