God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
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My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?
Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want