God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
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It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
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5- sweat
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
The last two times I’ve chewed gum I’ve bitten the inside of my mouth. That shit really should come with instructions.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.