God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
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[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?