Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.

Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*

Her: OMG

Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?

“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”

me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*

[my dog poops]

man: pick it up!

[my dog poops faster]

THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks

When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”

I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!

Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.