Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW

The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard

Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.

Q: “How long were you at your last job?”

A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.

Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.

Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]

The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?

me: sure

friend: does 8 sound good?

me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4

What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”

Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”

i said it’s my favorite movie, i didn’t say it was good

robber: gimme your money

me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents

my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies

(Gaming support cat.)

This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!

Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.