Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second

My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16

If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.

keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.

Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute

Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?

daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter

daniel radcliffe: hello

agent: would you like to be in a movie

daniel radcliffe: is it very strange

agent: yes

daniel radcliffe: then yes

agent: when can you get here

daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak

It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.

Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean

My 4-year-old:

If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.

Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.

(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.

If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.

I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.

My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.

Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.

my nickname in college

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.

Told someone what city I live in.

“Oh are you married to a doctor?”

“No. My husband is though.”

*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”