Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*aggressively skips to my Lou*

*First day as a boxing cornerman*

Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what

Me: *considering sleeping in*

My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.

*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*

Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead

Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.

4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this

OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW

– alcohol

I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.

Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!

Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”

Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”

911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.

Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.

Press 1 for English
Press 2 For Spanish

Press 1 or 2 for Indian

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.

SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!

PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:

SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.

Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.