God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
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[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.