Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.

So sorry

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣

to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.

*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*

Ok, weigh me now.

Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.

My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.

I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.

Owls are just nocturnal pug birds

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.

*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*

If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.

It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.

I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time

LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan

I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian

At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband

Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.

The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky