Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.

My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.

GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.

Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.

“Are you good and hard for me yet?”

– me boiling eggs

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.

Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.

My guide to NyQuil:

Name brand red: no horse in your head

Store brand green: a horse will be seen

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong

cop:

superman: wait is this wrong

‘…um….’

– the first cow ever milked

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.

Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.

Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan

hello 911?
ok first of all, happy new year

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.

4: You told me not to lie.

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.