Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode

People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck

According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.

My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix

Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat

Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.

When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”

[Orca Winfrey Show]

ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!

AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*

Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.

[shopping]

[wife being a real pain]

Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”

the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions

Commercial for Twitter:

“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days