Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.

Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.

Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.

I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them

This squirrel eats better than I do

This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star

*through a mouthful of Nutella*

Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.

NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.

I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.

The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.

Robber: This is a stick up

Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”

Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it

Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.

I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again

You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.