Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.

– i

[working at the DMV]

Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?

Boss: *sweating profusely*

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

Body: We need to sleep

Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?

Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS

When I retire I’m going to run from office.

Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.

My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

Easy ladies. The bulge in my sweat pants is just a sleeve of emergency cookies.

[Being followed on my morning run]

Me: Leave me alone!

Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe

Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?

The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.

My toddler threw a tantrum because I corrected him when he said he wanted to “Be Halloween for Mickey Mouse”.

I am now standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok

ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?

GUY: fruit flies I think

ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug

there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped

13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day

Me: What have you written so far?

13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”

M: Good opener.

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

ME: What if I have a robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.

ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.

ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?

PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.

My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.

Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!

The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store

I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.