Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.

*Buys something from Amazon

*Tracks package from Amazon

*Gets delivery from Amazon

Me)I wonder what this is

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.

Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.

marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!

son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.

Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?

15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

Jesus steals the winter solstice

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.

I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.

When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”

ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?

HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops

Oh, to be a rat with a pancake