Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.

Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.

“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

Carpenter Ants: Very industrious

Army Ants: Extra militant

Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes

My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:

1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.

*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.

We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.

The cat: Bet

This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse

you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart

I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.

Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.

Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.

One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

Top Five Accountant Taboos:

5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex

Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …