Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”

Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.

everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.

me: *finally catching up financially*

the brakes on my car: hehe

George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.

when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag

How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.

Me: hold on are you—

roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:

Me:—Bob Ross?

Breaking news:

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there

Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle

A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”

CDC ”Stop right there!!”

Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.