Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.

[Chevy commercial]

“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”

Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded

Woman: I feared for my life the entire time

Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming

Matrix: Renovations

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀

Seeing your own mental illnesses in your parents is wild. I’m like… could you have passed down good genes and a house already paid for instead

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

Mars: I’m wet

NASA: I’m coming over

Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.

an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there

[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]

ME: I’d like to phone a friend.

HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.

literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!

Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.

You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?

*being mugged*

me: “im warning you, i know karate”

mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”

“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”

Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.

Husband: It just happened.

Me: But it was in the past.

Husband: It was five minutes ago.

Me: In. The. Past.

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

8: momma why didn’t you swim?

Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.

8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know

If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following