Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”

7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”

You got it, brother. 🫡

stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons

And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.

Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…

Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.

It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?

Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?

7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?

Me: Sure, bud.

7yo: So when I die, will I come back?

Me: Now I see why you have a headache.

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*

Friend: Bad breakup?

Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.

At a fried chicken place, looks delicious

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you

¯_(ツ)_/¯

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan

I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.

ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.