God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
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I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
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