Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing

Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?

[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby

Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.

We’re all getting idioter.

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.

Parenting talk translated.

“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Actually means:

“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

[interview to be a valet]

me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker

interviewer: you’re hired

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide

Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness

Astronomer: Hello

Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours? ⁣
⁣

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does