Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”

Him:

Me:

Him:

Me: Roarrrr… get it?

I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack

Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird

So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea

The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.

Bout to have the best sleep of my life

Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.

Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue

There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers

We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol

Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010

My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.

Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.

1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

lol

sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over

Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts

DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?

Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?

DM:

ME:hello…you there

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.

The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks

Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”

Boss: What are you working on?

Me: Something I have limited time to finish.

Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.

Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER