Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.

Stop feeding it!

#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning

“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”

“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”

Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!

[at White Castle]

clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen

[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”

-me, explaining why I can’t move my back

Me: You say all the right things.

Her: I didn’t say anything.

Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.

gf: we can’t have another pet

me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots

Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.

My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?

*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead

Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something

Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:

“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”

JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.

GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.

Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams

I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.