Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?

Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?

CEO: Genius!

6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*

“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”

Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*

If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do

Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it

A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*

*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*

Genie: please don’t w-

Me: I wish for a third kite

If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.

spouse: what are you doing

me: i’m writing a pilot

spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂

me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?

A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.

My wife said I need to grow up.

I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.

HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.

Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂

life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs

Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.

The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…