Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.

The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…

All. The. Damn. Time.

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.

“I never trust anything from the government!”

*uses highways

Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*

Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.

Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*

Priest:

Me:

Priest: Look she might come back

Livid.

A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.

it be like that

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring

instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it

As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭

My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”

My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.

Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

son: how did I get my name

me: *holds up baby name book*

son: ugh terrible

me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.

If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”

I miss getting my misinformation from less places

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.