God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
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is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful