[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
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My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
me when I see my crush
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.