Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.

Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐

are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.

Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.

Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

Delicious if literal: in a pickle.

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

God: you’re a zebra.

Zebra: nice!

God: you have black stripes.

Zebra: like a tiger?

God: yes exactly!

Zebra: so we’re the same!

God: no.

Zebra: why not?

God: you eat grass instead of meat.

Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!

‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.

Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.

[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]

[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]

I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.

therapist: how have you been coping with everything

me: with sarcasm mostly

therapist: has that been working

me: yeah it’s been super great

I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.

[11am]

Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.

“Hi-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Do y-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“Excuse m-”

“I have a boyfriend.”

“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.

[traffic court]

Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets

JUDGE: Repeat infractions?

Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets

Dear Mr. Horsefly:

Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.

Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.

Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

[my gf actually turns into a worm]

me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you

my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people