[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
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So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I just tried to poach an egg and I now understand why eggs Benedict is $24
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
#dnd #ttrpg
