Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.

therapist: overthinking

me: you mean predicting the future

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.

My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days

It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children

[asteroid destroys earth]

God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that

the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.

As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.

Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it

My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.

If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.

The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression

Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.

Me: is everything ok you seem distant

Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.

Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!

His wife: [glares at him]

Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.

“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”