Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss “Are you high?”

Me “If I was high could I do this?”

*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

Most of those “my OF is just…” jokes are actually brilliant ideas I’d pay to see. Baking cookies topless? That sounds very entertaining

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector

Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.

me: i want a girlfriend so badly

them: u have to start going on dates

me: seems excessive

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

i handle all my disagreements like an adult

dance off pants off karaoke

Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great

Me at 7pm:
lol what’s this, a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders, I bet that’s so dumb

Me at 11pm:
IF KAYLEIGH-ANNE TIGHTENS UP THOSE JUMP-SPLITS SHE’S A SHOO-IN FOR 3RD GROUP LEADER

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?

According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.

Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?

11: …

*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works

A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…

Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.

Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR

When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.

Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

[Inventing the escalator]

Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?

I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it