Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.

National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.

[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*

Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned

if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.

ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?

jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making

me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?

Lou Bega: *deep breath*

No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.

They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing

You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.

Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating

Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”

Me: oh shit I am running so late

My dog: [barfs]

why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”

6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?

Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…

6: you’ll never find me!

Me: *goes back to sleep*

necessity is the mother of invention