[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

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Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.


So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.


She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza


My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.


I’m not drinking by myself.

I’m self-employed and this is my corporate Christmas party.


*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*


I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’


Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though