[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
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Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤