@thedad

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

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@renesosa12

Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.

@_davidlucas_

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

@elisemarie91

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

@LostFelicia

My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.

@andraswf

I’m not drinking by myself.

I’m self-employed and this is my corporate Christmas party.

@poutinesmoothie

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

@thagr8short1

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’

@BoogTweets

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though