[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
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6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
tell em, edith-anne
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
You know…for fall…
How does someone manage that 🤨
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*