God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
You Might Also Like
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
*pronounces patio like ratio
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.