God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
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*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
🤣
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo