God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
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A NEW year? In this economy??? I’m settling for a certified pre-owned.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.