Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.

My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.

To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”

Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut

Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades

Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.

I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)

Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]

Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.

Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…

the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

“tomorrow i’ll wake up early to do it”

me at 10am:

Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’

Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’

I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.

Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]