Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”

“Get out of my hamper.”

If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.

PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.

The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing

ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?

I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.

I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT

AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online

AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.

Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.

[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”

My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?

Me:

My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium

“Please let go of my hair”

-my gynaecologist

A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know