god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
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Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Woke up with morning Yule Log
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
im 7 sauces long
