god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
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Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
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When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
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[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.