“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
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[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
live long and prosper!
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy