Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Netflix should’ve just maybe mailed us all this fight on DVD

Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.

Coming out of the dressing room at a store…

Me: What do think?

Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

[watching The Avengers]

7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?

ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

Shank you.

– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery

I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew

15: I found a great song. Do you want to hear it?
M: Absolutely.
15: It’s called “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears.
M: *sings the entire song at the top of my lungs & dances around the living room*
15: Okay. I don’t like the song anymore.

This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?

Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.

Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them

Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken

No Black Friday for me, if I wanna see people fighting over electronics I’ll just give my daughter and her cousins an iPad

Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?

Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.

Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.

Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway

ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here

ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857

Doctor: You suffer from delusions

Me: I don’t think so

Doctor: They seem real but they’re not

Stuart Little: He’s lying to you

Me: Yeah I know

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?