Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.

Hmmmmm

Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE

*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!

“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”

When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.

Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.

I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.

Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.

I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.

Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.

Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?

Ha.

If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.

Me: please wait a little longer

Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!

She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.

Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.

[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”

I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.

Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.

Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.