[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
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The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
this has done me in for some reason
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious