Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.

Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”

5yo: “Yes!”

Me: “What colors?”

5yo: “The same!”

When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me

date: omg just tell me you’re not interested

cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR

On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.

All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried

Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’

Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.

It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

europeans read a lot because their television shows suck

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

Y’all ready for this

Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.

Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.

Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?

Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.

[Star Wars Episode VII scene]

Princess Leia: I love you Han.

Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

Yet the one time I did, I got banned

What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.