Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😎 🍻

Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all

Farmer:

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.

DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.

ME: I’m.

HER: Check please!

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.

Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:

10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.

7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit

Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!

When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.

Why was the picture sent to prison?

It was framed.

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating

Guy: Which way is left?

Me: *points to the right*

Guy: What is a horn for?

Me: Jazz

Guy: Where does gasoline go?

Me: *points to my tummy*

Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*

*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?

4th grade student: How old are you?

Me: Quite a bit older than you.

Student: So like 23?

Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.