Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb

Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.

If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.

Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

[during sex]

her: call me names

me: george

If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.

As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”

I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

Romeo: Juliet is the sun.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T

mandolin: finally a violin for men

👀

Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree

The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.

my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails

me: yes

my brain: are you ever going to read them?

me: no

my brain: then delete them

me: no

[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”

It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.

mary: i can’t believe i had to give birth in a barn this sucks. at least now i can rest

three old guys: heyyyyy

little boy playing the drums: whaddup

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.