[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
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I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I can’t be the only one 😂
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.