Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?

sweet dreams💖

When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.

Get in loser we’re going crying

Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors

I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?

cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

My doctor says I only have one diabete.

As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.

interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?

me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest

If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.

Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes

ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!

BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.