God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
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COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY