God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
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[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Stop being $50 to eat, food.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.