Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

The cake is mightier than the sword.

The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.

i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly

All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself

You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?

My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

“you recording!?”

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.

[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*

The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above

Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!

Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours

Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.

I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”

My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.

I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.

[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now

Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.

Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen

Them *gives me a hug*

Me: and there it is

When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.