*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
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All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*
*forgets what they’re called*
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”