Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?

I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.

me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination

My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.

People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.

8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.

me: oh wow ok…

8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.

me: nice, what about me?

8yo: you get eaten.

me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]

if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.

Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass

Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”

Nailed it.

I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine

“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.

Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”

Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?

Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so

Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me

Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.