[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
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her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.