[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
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My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.
Part of me wants to actually see Oppenheimer. But the other, more correct part wants to piece together the film through memes
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
even bears disappoint their mothers
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.
I’m ex-static!
#DadJoke