[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
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My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
The booster protects against what, now?
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
It’s funny how my husband always talks me into going out to eat on the days I say I’m making salad for dinner.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine