@blade_funner

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

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@AthenaMystique

*texts god*

Me: yo, can we add “being a grammar nazi” to the list of sins? Their annoying.
God: *they’re

@KeetPotato

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”

@Ygrene

[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you

@Gorilla_Turd

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.

@TheAndrewNadeau

Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.

@jenstatsky

Is a bath relaxing for Michael Phelps or does it just feel like he’s at work

@BrandyLJensen

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

@mulliganstewed

As soon as my daughter realizes Jamacians, Irish, & wizards don’t all have the same accent, I’m probably going to get fired from storytime.

@Book_Krazy

Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…

Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.