[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
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A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again