[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
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“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic